


I... I shouldn't even exist!

by WeHadABondingMoment



Series: Adrien Angst [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Author Is Not Fluent In English, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Bisexual Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Bisexual Luka Couffaine, Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hawk Moth is Gabriel Agreste, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Reveal, Luka is good at comforting people, M/M, SADrien, if ya squint, lukadrien, sentimonster!adrien
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 08:57:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20636528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeHadABondingMoment/pseuds/WeHadABondingMoment
Summary: Adrien was running.He jumped over the rooftops of Paris, crisscrossing, without being able to think straight.An attempt to run away. Probably a pretty fitting description for the actions of the teenager in a black, skin-tight leather suit.Adrien was exhausted, the only reason he could keep himself on his feet was that the adrenaline of the previous fight was still pulsing in his veins, mixed with the rising panic the truth had set in him.Or: Adrien find out that he's a sentimonster. Luka is there to comfort him. Warning, open end.





	I... I shouldn't even exist!

Adrien was running.  
He jumped over the rooftops of Paris, crisscrossing, without being able to think straight.  
An attempt to run away. Probably a pretty fitting description for the actions of the teenager in a black, skin-tight leather suit.

  
Adrien was exhausted, the only reason he could keep himself on his feet was that the adrenaline of the previous fight was still pulsing in his veins, mixed with the rising panic the truth had set in him.

The truth, huh?  
Embittered, Adrien set off for a particularly big jump.  
He knew he couldn’t walk forever. Sooner or later he would have to face the truth. Still, he hoped desperately that this was just a stupid nightmare. That he did not really ... No, thinking about it now would destroy him.

  
He felt hot tears rise and blinked hard to suppress them. He hadn’t cried since his mother died, right now there was no reason to show weakness. No reason to hide and pretend that everything is gonna be fine again tomorrow. He was not a kid anymore.

Delete the last thought. Apparently, if he could believe his father, he hadn’t even had a childhood to begin with.  
Adrien shuddered. How could it have come this far?  
And why was it him?

  
It just was not fair. The little things in his life he actually thought of as normal, now also had an unnatural origin?  
Heck, if his father didn’t lie, his entire existence was a lie.

He shouldn’t exist. He was not foreseen for it.  
Adrien’s gaze wandered across the streets of Paris; he hadn’t felt so empty, so cut off from the world in forever. His eyes remained on a woman whom he recognized as Nadia Chamack, holding a little girl by the hand.

  
Manon, he remembered. The cute, though exhausting, girl had been to the wax museum with Nino, Alya, Marinette, and him.  
To see mother and daughter walking in unison ... It brought back memories. False memories. Still, he could not stop them, not keep them from being so incredibly real.  
It hurted.But it also awakened a sense of anger in him, angry that he was created at all.

Because everything made so much sense now and he had no right to feel mad about these things anymore.  
His father was cold and distant, because Adrien was not even his real son.  
He didn’t want Adrien to make friends, because they were not allowed to notice.  
It makes sense now that the only compliment he ever received from Gabriel was how perfect he was. The bitter undertone of his words. Alone the fact that -

"Chat Noir !?"  
Adrien flinched when he heard the voice and broke away from his thoughts. He only then noticed that he had put his hand into a fist and released it from the cramped position. He allowed himself a deep breath before turning in the direction of the voice. When he recognized the person, he hurried to get to the bottom and wandered in his direction, still ignoring the tears in his eyes. Leaving now would be an option, but he longed for a conversation. Quiet. Understanding.

  
"Hey," Adrien said just, not in the mood for his usual theatricality.  
Luka's eyes narrowed slightly and he looked closely at the young superhero. "Adrien, is everything okay?"  
The name made him wince, though he knew that Luka knew his identity. Just as Adrien knew about Viperion. The much more important question was just what he would tell Luka.  
Heyy, I'm a monster by the way, nice to see you again? No.

  
Maybe he would just tell him the part of the truth that Paris would hear tomorrow anyway.  
"I know who Hawkmoth is."

Luka raised an eyebrow in confusion. "How did this happen?"  
The younger man looked down at the floor and talked about how Hawkmoth had appeared in the last fight. How they had reached his miraculous by pure luck. And how he had then turned into none other than Gabriel Agreste before their eyes.

  
Without a word, Luka spread his arms and Adrien was happy to accept the embrace.  
"It just hurts so much ...", the blond mumbled afterwards. That he was the one we fought against all along ... And that he has sent Akumas to places I've been to at the time so often. He attacked our school thousands of times ... Or the wax museum back then. The only people apart from the workers were my friends and me. He ... He dropped me off a damn building and released Ladybug only at the last second! Because of Style Queen, over whom he had control, I was a STATUE! Aren’t parents supposed protect their children from danger? "Adrien sniffed.

Luka led him to a nearby bench and motioned for him to sit next to the bluenette.  
"Of course he should do that," Luka said softly, in a tone that made Adrien want to lean against his friend. But by no means did he want to cross borders.  
Only when Luka stopped talking did the model realize that he had said anything at all.

  
To ask him would be uncomfortable so he just drove forward with his previous monologue, hoping not to annoy the other.  
"You know, he wanted the miraculous to get back mom. And that means that all of this - all akuma attacks - is really just my fault. "

He felt Luka's irritated look on him. Still, the older one did not speak, something Adrien was deeply grateful for. Instead, he put an arm around Adrien and pulled him closer. The model blushed because of the sudden body contact.

"I ..." He felt a sudden need to tell the guitarist everything, so he did just that. Luka was sure. Adrien trusted him - well, that did not say much. He trusted too fast, he knew that.  
Still ... He wanted to get rid of his thoughts. And Luka knew who he was. Who he is.

  
"Hawkmoth said he wanted to use the Miraculous to get my mother back," he mumbled again. "And of course it would be nice to have her back, don’t get me wrong!"  
All at once the words became easier, they spilled out of him. Fast and chaotic, but Luka did not complain and Adrien was so incredibly thankful for that.  
He only felt his fingers drawing circles on his shoulder and feeling like a silent invitation to continue talking.

When he got to the point where he told Hawkmoth's plans to use sentimonster to win the miraculous’, Adrien began to breathe harder. "He ... He said that my mother died because of them. She created a sentimonster and kept it around longer than she could. She ... she did not want to give it up, not after working on it for so long. That's why she packed all of her life energy into this monster. And now she's dead and ... "  
A sob shook his body and he clung to Luka in an attempt to hide his face. He didn’t want to be seen crying, he did not want to admit weakness. Quiet ironically, considering he was talking about exactly these.  
Luka did not condemn him once again, just hold him and stroked his back, much like his mother had done to him when he was still - oh right. She never had. His memories had only been told to him.

Breathe, Adrien. Remember how to breathe. You know exactly how to do that. Inhale for 4 seconds. Hold for 7 seconds. Exhale for 8 seconds. He repeated this exercise until he was able to speak again. He broke away from Luka, stammered a slightly embarrassed "apology" and continued before Luka could respond.

"My dad used to accuse her of clinging too close to her son. Desperately trying to bring him back to life would bring nothing. A fake would not be the same as her son. And she didn’t care. And now he is just like that with my mother and apparently I have fought him all these times and it hurts... "  
Adrien knew his words were fast, unconnected, but his thoughts were a far greater mess than those words ever could be.

After he added nothing, he heard Luka say, "I did not know you had a brother."  
On Adrien's confused look, the musician added, "Your mother wanted her child back, you said."  
The young model's gaze was so painful that for the first time in his life, Luka wished he hadn't said anything.

"You do not understand, Luka. I am the sentimonster. I'm the reason she's dead. "


End file.
